The Pished Hikers Guide Tae Time Travel
Wan night in Kelburn
Me and Gordy McCann were burlin
We’d tanned a hawf bottle of Buckie
And watched ma pal curling
And efter he won we went back to the offie
Turns oot a wizard worked there and he gave us a coffee
He said “Sober up lads cos I’m aboot te tell ye
Suhin pure magical that’s aboot tae befell ye
Cos when you baith drank that hawf bottle of Buckie
Chosen ye were, and tae be baith sae lucky
For that was nae ordinary Fortified Wine
Naw, noo ye baith can travel through time
We were baith dumbfooned
That much a can tell ye
But we accepted the challenge fae the Wizard from Kelvi
He told us tae go and with great speed to watch
Everythin that happened since life first turned the clock
A said “Haud on a minute, much will we get paid?
And anither thing, whit happens if wan of us gets laid?
Will we start disappearin like Marty and the picture in his wallet?
And will aw this time travel make me want tae vomit?
He said “Shut the fuck up and get on wae the mission
A dunno why the bottle of Buckie has put me in this position
Hawf-wits the pair of ye, whit hope have we goat
If ye don’t get on wae it al grab ye both by the throat
Wee Gordy got pure ragin and said he’d tear up the shop
And that’s when the wizard said he was cawin the cops
A tried tae calm them baith doon cos we had a lot in common
Efter aw the Buckie picked us, we were the ones who were chosen
The wizard agreed and sent us tae times the world had forgotten
Let me tell ye this, time travel smells fuckin rotten
We never saw Wullie shout Freedom or get steaminwae a Beatle
Never smoked a joint wae Jimi or saw the birth of Limmy
Couldnae shave Hitlers moustache or dekegg that twat Nixon
Never went to the Moon or winched hunners o wummin
So when we got back I knocked the wizard a crack and told him he’d selt us a duffer
He asked “What did ye see, was it magic as can be? Did ye get tae see a young Mick Jagger?
I told him time travel was shite and try as I might, I think next time I’ll just have a lager